Herbal Humor, Week Three

Herbal Healing, Week Three

1. Overheard

Old, Bold Shroom Hunter: I’ve given up smoking.

No Birth Control: Smoking what?

Old, Bold Shroom Hunter: Oh, uh, cigarettes. Nicotine ones. Yeah, just nicotine cigarettes.

No Birth Control: But why would you do that?

Old, Bold Shroom Hunter: Because I don’t want to die of lung cancer, mainly.

And later…

Bridget: Wild grapes grow everywhere, and so if you were in a survival situation, this is what grape leaves always look like. Unless the soil is terrible contaminated, you can always eat grapes. Keep this in mind if you are in a survival situation.

Trust Me, I’m A Lawyer: If I were in a survival situation, I wouldn’t eat the grapes. I would ferment them and drink them. That’s how I would survive.

2. Bridget: People come to me with all sorts of problems, and I always give people all my knowledge to help them. I just want people to move toward a healthier lifestyle in whatever capacity they can. There are some people, however, who come to me, and I can tell them do this and do that, and they tell me they can’t for this or that reason. I get exasperated. Fine, I say, so what you are trying to tell me is that your body does not need more fruits and vegetables, you just have a Prilosec deficiency. Is that right?

3. Bridget: I was throwing a party one time, and in the middle of the party, this guy fell on the floor and almost died. I was very upset, because it totally would have killed my party if he had died. I mean, you don’t want somebody dying at any party, but you especially don’t want them dying at your own party. Turns out the guy had overdosed on ecstasy before coming to the party. Of course I administered every herbal remedy I knew, and he survived just long enough for me to practically kill him for ruining my party. I’m kidding, of course. I didn’t kill him. But I never invited him to a party of mine again. I hate it when people overdose on drugs before coming over to my house.

4. Bridget: When you eat spicy foods, it sometimes tames your temper. That’s why there are some cultures that need to eat spicy foods more than others. I’m not going to name any names, but we all know there are some cultures that need to cool off their tempers more than others. I’m just not going to name any names. (And then, in a strong Mexican accent) Aw, dude, I’m pissed about these drug wars, man. I’m gonna eat some spicy enchiladas so I don’t have to blow anyone’s head off. (In Bridget’s regular voice) Like I said, I’m not naming any culture in particular. There are a lot of cultures who just need to cool it with their tempers.