I recently took a class where I learned about how to use herbs medicinally. The class was actually fascinating, and the instructor brilliant, but I'm just going to let the madness speak for itself.
Herbal Healing, Week One
1. Bridget starts the class by sharing with us why she became an herbalist. She says (paraphrased): “I knew being an herbalist was my calling when I was hanging out in my apartment one night and someone came pounding on my door. I opened the door, and it was my neighbor. ‘Hey, Bridget, Julie just took eight hits of acid and she isn’t feeling so good. Do you think you could maybe help her out?’ And that’s when I knew I wanted to be an herbalist.”
2. Bridget then goes on to explain the history of herbs, which obviously has to start at the beginning of the world. Bridget believes in the Urantia book, which is a book that was written many years ago by celestial beings and witches. According to Bridget, the world started as bacteria growing on rocks in the middle of the ocean, which eventually became continents and animals. Everything was wonderful in the world, and then the lemurs gave birth to six human-like children in different colors. The lemur rainbow children were red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. The lemur rainbow children lived in harmony until the extraterrestrials came to earth. The first extraterrestrials were Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve mated with the lemur rainbow children and created humankind as we know it. Once humankind was on earth, they started warring with the lemurs and the extraterrestrials. Fortunately, the extraterrestrials have left earth, but the warring unfortunately continues. Rainbow, Bridget's daughter who lives in Hollywood, recently had dinner with James Cameron and gave him the book in hopes that he will make an Avatar 3. [Commentary: I don’t think there’s even an Avatar 2, but that seemed like nitpicking in the whole scheme of the story.]
3. Bridget shares more about her history, which includes many years of living in a teepee in the Ozarks. These were hard times for Bridget, and as she reflects on them, she says, “Honestly, what were we thinking in the sixties? Going back to the land? Who on earth thought that was a good idea? It was awful. Now my friends want to go camping, and I always think, ‘why?’ I hate camping. Who does that for fun? A vacation for me is the spa and vegan, raw chocolate.”
4. A history of herbs wouldn’t be complete without the yin yang symbol. “Of course you are all familiar with the yin yang symbol,” Bridget says. “You can’t spend three days in Boulder without seeing it on a t-shirt or tattoo or as an elementary school mascot.” [Commentary: I though mascots were supposed to be animate objects like mammals or Indians, but whatever.]
5. At the end of class, Bridget opens the class up to questions. They are as follows (paraphrased):
Q. Bridget, I’ve been wanting to find some shrooms to get high. Do you have recommendations on where to find shrooms, and will we cover their preparation in class?
A. Thanks, Abe, for the great question. I don’t actually endorse psychotropic drugs. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘there are old mushroom hunters and there are bold mushroom hunters, but there are no old, bold mushroom hunters?’ Well, I believe in that. Mushroom hunting can be dangerous. That said, psychotropic mushrooms can be easily spotted in many of the flatirons around Boulder.
Q. Bridget, I’ve been celibate for an entire year because of endometriosis, and now I’m having sex again. Can you tell me an herbal form of birth control so that I don’t have to be on the Pill or use condoms?
A. Wild carrot seed is a great form of birth control. It creates a hostile uterine environment that prevents the fertilized egg from implanting. This would be a great option for you, although I would probably still recommend it in conjunction with birth control if you want to be extra safe. [Commentary: Wild carrot seed does not prevent against STDs, and I'm unsure why Bridget didn't mention this to the nineteen-year-old who asked the question.]
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